Date: 2008-09-07 18:33 Subject: 1st commando battalion, marsiling, tekong, brunei, etc... Security: Public Mood: scared Music: Cappuccino - 萧亚轩

the past 2 months or so since i crossed over to the 1st commando battalion haven't been the easiest for me. you see, i've sworn off complaining about ns long ago but i guess it's the hardships and the lessons that i draw from them that have made me a different if not a better person.  in a few hour's time, i will embark on my journey to brunei, where i will complete the final (well, nearly) phase of my transformation from a fresh-faced schoolboy to a full-fledged commando. it will be nothing like what i have done before. it WILL be challenging, it WILL be dangerous, it WILL be painful, but it WILL definitely be equally fulfilling. so i guess it is only appropriate for me to sum up my experiences in the battalion up to this point.

i came in with a heaviness that i found hard to dissimulate right from the beginning, no matter how i steeled myself to face it like a man. anyone can discern from the previous post my visceral disgust and apprehension towards the new situation i found myself in. but that only set the stage for the real nightmare. our laidback and relaxed lifestyles since the end of basic military training have allowed us to slip into indiscipline and indolence. the instructors really shook us up with incessant harrassment and harsh punishment for the most insignificant mistakes. area cleaning was vigorously enforced and penalties for imperfections followed shortly after. we had a major turnout in camp where our barracks were literally turned inside-out. bedsheets, pillows, mattresses, garbage, clothes and our personal belongings were strewn all over after the instructors ransacked our barracks for contraband. one the the instructors said something that convulsed me: "you must know that commandos is not just for anyone. are you ready for the next stage of your evolution?" 

 to be fair, the training curriculum has certainly injected in me a new burst of confidence. i managed to fulfill requirements i previously thought impossible. this includes passing the standard obstacle course and overcoming my phobia of water to complete the water confidence course. the two field camps i went through threw up everything field camps possibly could. the one at marsiling was the first that i went through in 5 months. i could barely lug the back-breaking load, endure the mosquitoes and tread the endless distances. this only prepared me for the infinitely more challenging exercise in tekong. the last night was horrible. we walked through the night and fought a mission in the middle of it. looking back, it still sends shudders down my spine.

i missed the third field camp because i injured my right heel during a parachute jump. fortunately there was no fracture or sprain. during my recuperation, while the others were enduring the rigours of the jungle, i doubted my resolve and ability to carry on with the training. some of the out-of-course trainees tried to talk me into giving up and looking for a softer alternative to commandos. it was this injury, albeit a minor one, that confronted me with the question of whether it's worth all the pain and sacrifice to achieve something that has nothing to do with the rest of my life. evidently, i won't be here typing this post if i'd arrived at a negative answer. in any case, that was the closest i have ever been to capitulation. i hope that i have settled this dilemma once and for all.

so the past few months have been a journey of self doubt and discovery. the tough times made me learn to be flexible enough to respond to group dynamics and to go out of my way to help others no matter how tired i am. i don't like to go into all the cliche about gowing closer to my teammates and forging everlasting bonds of friendship but i just hope that our familiarity with one another can transpose into solid teamwork in brunei where we depend on it for our very survival.   

the road is now open before me. i hope that when i have reached my destination, the journey i experienced will be another reserve of fortitutde i can draw upon in the face of  future's many vicissitudes.
    

Date: 2008-06-28 10:38 Subject: hell has just taken on a new meaning Security: Public Mood: depressed Music: 我要快乐？ - 张惠妹

i have just joined my new posting: 1st commando battalion. whatever rumours everyone has heard about it are all true. we have to work for our little piece of maroon fabric commonly known as the red beret, the universal symbol of special forces around the world. 

so there goes our freedom for the next 4 months or so, without ipods, psps, friday book-outs, nights off, book-ins and book-outs in civilian wear and so on. i don't like to swear but the first thing that came to my mind as i saw my new claustrophobic bunk was: FuCkInG hEll!  

Date: 2008-06-23 19:09 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public Mood: accomplished Music: 一眼瞬间 - 张惠妹Feat.萧敬腾

it's been a long since i took time off to sit down and come up with a proper blog entry. the ones that i've been turning out since my incarceration in singapore's military establishment sound more like notes from an underground dissident than diary entries of an exuberant teenager enjoying the sunshine of his youth. expectedly, those one-liners are as creative as they are long. so this time i will give a quick summary of EVERYTHING that has happened since D-Day, H-Hour, E-Enlistment, just to shed some light on ainan's adventures for the benefit of those befuddled by his gobbledygook.

ok... where shall we begin. let's start from the very first thing every soldier goes through: BMT. i guess this was the period when my perception of the everyday hardships in camp was mixed with a martial romanticism that glorifies discipline, personal sacrifice, patriotism and other related ideals. i sincerely wanted to get into the commando section leader's course which qualifies us for officer cadet school. that explains why i volunteered to take charge of the bmt publication and dvd. after countless late nights, burnt weekends, and unrelenting pressure from my officers, i finally managed to pull everything together in time. but sometimes, in a monolithic and byzantine organization like the army, reward is not the natural corollary to effort. it all boils down to how hard one insists on getting his way and whether one's superiors are sympathetic to this insistence. my only consolation was the regret that my officers showed in their explanation of their decision that totally did me in for quite some time. so it seems to me that i'm good enough to help out but not good enough to be helped. 

then came the basic airborne course, indisputably the happiest period of my national service so far. it was during this period when i started to snap out of the delusionary sense of superiority that overshadowed my attitude towards my mates and possibly denied my shot at ocs. i felt more grounded in reality and behaved more like myself, thus winning over a few friends who made the strict regimentation and hazardous exercises at airborne school all the more bearable. this peripeteia came about through a few factors. one was the release of the A-level results. my grades simply dashed all my hopes of a scholarship. then came the shock of the outcome of my US university applications. out of six universities two of them placed me on their waiting lists. the rest were outright rejections. without a university and any realistic hope of a scholarship, i felt that all that i have accumulated over my 10 years of formal education has gone down the drain. all that i have slogged my ass off for came back to me as a pipe dream. i have lost everything. 

things started to look up during the limbo between bac and my signaller's course. i got invited for nus law interview and written test.

the signaller's course was a bloody waste of time. for its entire duration i looked forward only to my nightly phonecalls with my mom who checked my email for news from the universities. and disappointed i was every time i hung up and retreated to my comfortless bunk bed. you can imagine the relief and exhilaration with which i greeted the news of my acceptance by nus law and duke university when they finally broke their silence about two weeks apart from each other. finally there is something to be proud of again.

this afternoon i returned to hwach and the humanities staff room to hand over duke's final school report for my teacher to fill in. i will never forget the faces that greeted my entrance into the office which used to intimidate me so much. their congratulations made me feel that everything was worthwhile, that i can finally give something back to the humanities programme in return for the great experiences and opportunities it had provided me while i was there. i felt that this was the visit that truly symbolized the closure of my high school era because i can only turn over this page of my life when there is a new chapter behind waiting for me. and where better to write this conclusion than the place where it all began? 
 

Date: 2008-05-31 02:00 Subject: DUKE Security: Public Mood: jubilant

and so all the hours mugging for the SATs and going over my application essays have paid off. now i'm faced with a happy dilemma between nus law and duke. my inclination is to go for duke. i'm not sure about my prospects of a scholarship with my grades. but even without one i might choose to go to america through my own means.

Date: 2008-05-18 12:43 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public Mood: relieved

so i got admitted into nus law. still expecting duke's and columbia's waiting lists. watch this space. whew!

Date: 2008-03-29 21:12 Subject: A is for Airborne Security: Public Mood: annoyed Music: Lose Yourself - Eminem

just a quick update. i'm now going through my airborne course at hendon camp. it's kinda painful to have all those weird contraptions going through your body and everything, with nut-busting leg straps notwithstanding. it should be fun, and i want those silver wings at the end of it.

Date: 2008-02-03 11:44 Subject: c-130 rolling down the strip Security: Public Mood: calm Music: 倒带 - 蔡依林

so, many people are curious about how it's like in commandos. but i guess i'm not exactly qualified to describe it since i'm only 3 weeks into basic training and the "real" commando stuff is not taught to us yet. in any case it's tough enough to be challenging but gradual enough to be healthy. the commanders and trainers are quite professional and reasonable and i do feel myself getting stronger and fitter after 3 weeks. for sure, my 2.4 improved from 12 min 02 sec on the second day of enlistment to 10 min 49 sec this week. 

aside from NS, i had my brown university interview last sunday and i've been trying to hammer out a time with princeton for our session. i guess it's kinda difficult to get things done when you're always having your hands tied up in army. 

there are things to look forward to, though. and my aim for now is to get into leader's course and ocs this year. i hope i can make it so wish me good luck!

Date: 2007-12-29 01:52 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public Mood: nervous Music: 爱如潮水 - 张信哲

christmas was spent in my typical holiday fashion-- staying at home. but this time it didn't feel as normal or comfortable. it's like a bathetic fall after a build-up to a perfect climax. so why did i let my frustrations get the better of me the previous night? i have always thought that i am a logical and rational person who knows what's good for myself and others-- at least those who matter. but this time, i ruined what was potentially my best christmas eve yet, probably the last one which i can spend as a teenager. unfortunately, i might not be my only victim. 

and then there i was, suddenly finding myself sitting in my underwear, hating myself like a damned fool. i have never had a longer christmas eve. when everyone else is either partying away at a bar, a friend's place or in the streets, i was accompanied by my regret. sometimes i laugh at myself for being so silly. but if i really was silly, isn't what i passed up some excuse for me to be so? 

new year's coming up next. i don't deserve anything this new year. i should just lock myself in and come up with my new year's mock-resolutions. one item i should add would be to be more mature. easier said than done. but then again, i shouldn't give up just yet. because if there is one thing i can take away from this unpleasant experience, it is to know how to cherish what i love. 

Date: 2007-12-17 15:44 Subject: oh rome rome, wherefore art thou rome? Security: Public Music: 霍元甲 - 周杰伦

i have lost my rome: total war cd. the only explanation i can think of for this disappearance is that Hannibal has stolen it to rematch with the romans in the battle of zama and alter the fate of his fellow elephant-riding carthaginian dudes. but seriously, how can it just evaporate from my computer table?!?!?! my other games are not half as fun. first-person shooters make me giddy so call of duty 4 is out. fifa 08 is an attractive choice but i suck at it now. i seem to be stuck at semipro difficulty. i still remember how i used to thrash world class difficulty for fifa 06 this time two years ago. lord of destruction, well, has graphics that look medieval. so is this some sinister ploy to force me back to my application essays? hee hee... that's not gonna work, folks. 

anyway, i feel really tireless and bored these days. i don't seem to be able to concentrate on anything or pick up my spirits. bleargh!!!

Date: 2007-12-06 01:05 Subject: prom 07 Security: Public Mood: awake

1st post with my new comp!! i'm still trying to get used to my new keyboard.

prom was well... everything that i expected. dressing up, taking photos, binging, and all that jazz. but the stayover at zhexi's house was something that i haven't had and will not have for some time. talking about random shit until 8 in the morning. 

but everything felt so empty,  i don't seem to have much to say about prom. but in any case it was a great experience, shopping for clothes and apparel, tailoring a suit, getting my hair done and so on. 

ps: my new comp is really fast, and the 22" monitor is just perfect!! 

Date: 2007-11-30 03:11 Subject: tea session anyone? Security: Public Mood: sleepy

does anyone who has received the psc invitation to the 5th dec tea session want to go together?

Date: 2007-11-16 03:38 Subject: what the hammer Security: Public Mood: ecstatic Music: Me Love - Sean Kingston

LIFE STARTS NOW

Date: 2007-10-24 01:52 Subject: O insupportable! O heavy hour! Security: Public Mood: gloomy Music: Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day

now i'm looking forward to ns. commando hell notwithstanding. this just shows how miserable i am right now.

Date: 2007-10-16 23:28 Subject: For Honour and Glory Security: Public Mood: blank Music: Stacey's Mom - Fountains of Wayne

11 Jan 2008 (Fri)
8.00 AM
Special Operation Tactics Centre
Pasir Ris Camp
Commando Training Institute

so while the girls are slacking at home and the guys are enjoying their time at pulau tekong holiday chalet, i'll be rotting in hell.

In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage

King Henry V Act III Scene i

-
edit
and if you wanna know how i really feel right now, i can only say that i'm a little bitter and apprehensive about it. i dunno if it's an honour or a curse. on the one hand, i'll have the privilege of being distinguished as an elite soldier in the singapore army (that is if i successfully pass out, something which is not entirely certain). but think of all the parachute jumps, deep-sea dives and 72km marches. you gotta understand that i'm not someone straight out of a sylvester stallone action movie or something like that. i'm weak both physically and mentally, not to mention emotionally. 

and the last thing i want is to be (touch wood) eliminated to some other unit. think of the blow to my self-esteem if that happens. actually i don't mind the physical rigour of the training as long as my safety is guaranteed. i don't mind being pushed to the limit, something which hasn't happened to me for a long time, or should i say has NEVER happened to me.

what remains to be seen is how big a role will the "prestige" factor play in this. it really does go a long way in sustaining you through tough times. so i hope that the satisfaction of donning the red beret will do justice to my suffering.       

Date: 2007-10-11 23:21 Subject: graduation Security: Public Mood: sleepy

so we have graduated. just like that. jc life, so highly anticipated by so many secondary school students, has just come and gone for me. i've had my turn no doubt, but i can't say as confidently as many of my schoolmates that i have lived this life to the fullest.

for one, i didn't have too much of an expectation for jc when i first stepped into this school. for me it's just another one of those new place, new people, then get down to work sort of thing. somehow i rationally knew that this was gonna be a hell of a change for me and a potentially explosive time to savour but then again i didn't rub off any of the excitement of the people around me. during orientation i did feel a tingling sensation of new-ness and curiosity but it was only for a brief moment or two, and while it lasted it was nothing out of the ordinary.

and while i was sitting there with my class of two years watching the slideshows of the moments of other classes' experiences, the one question that was being asked inside my chest was: "so what have i been doing for the past two years?" i don't have an answer. surely, anyone who would have read a recount of my jc experience would dismiss this question as unnecessary. admittedly, there was the fps international conference in colorado, the humanities trip to the philippines, the taiwanese immersion programme, 2 dance nights (for one of which i was on the organising team), MAD exco, humanities programme, syf gold with honours, and many many other not-so-major events like tapestry busking. many people without half as many things could boast of having an incredible time in jc.

somehow in the midst of all this sound and fury, when everyone else around me was having loads of fun, i felt strangely alone. i am a quiet person that has been true since i was born but i guess i have never felt the need to connect with those around me until i entered jc. secondary school was simple enough, but i guess for 17 and 18 year-olds some diplomacy is required to get one through life. and i guess this is where my natural defect lies. everyone has flaws, and this is mine. and a major one at that. i don't expect other people to always take the initiative in knowing me but i still didn't try my best if i did try at all to make acquaintances (look, i'm not even talking about friends). and so if people find me cold, distant, reserved, clamped-up, it is not wholly without justification.

and whenever something is happening around or even to me, i somehow feel emotionally detached from it. this is especially true for dance night 2007. maybe it's the fatigue, maybe it's the latent anxiety and fear of the impending exams and a-levels during the period of preparation, maybe it's the consciousness of the fact that all that was going on was only temporary. but i have to confess that on many occasions, when practices or meetings were underway my mind was elsewhere. i didn't feel in-the-moment. it was always, "what's gonna happen after this" or "after this is done..." some of my MAD-mates may have noticed that. i can't explain my way out, nor can i forgive myself. but it couldn't be helped.

another concession or confession that i have to make is that i haven't exactly behaved very well for these 2 years. now this is delicate ground and i hope i won't divulge more than what is in my interests to say. i know i have offended certain interested parties with my vacillations, inconsistencies, incoherence, insensitivities and outright disregard for the effects of my actions on their feelings. to this i can only say here that i am truly sorry. this has happened before and i allowed it to happen again and this makes me feel all the more guilty. no more on that.

so what has jc given me? that is hard to quantify. but if it is education that i was looking for at the start, then i have received more than i could ever wish for. now i appreciate it more than ever when they say that school is a centre of learning. and i have learned my lessons.

Date: 2007-09-01 00:46 Subject: aaarrrggghhhh Security: Public Mood: distressed

it's been quite some time since i've put in a serious or proper entry. now i really want to type a nice long entry to give my feelings a vent but there seems to be too little action to warrant such an entry. but i'll try.

the past three months have been nothing short of hell for me. it's like my life just plunged straight into the depths of i-don't-know-what right after the high of dance night. it's like turning off the tv after a late-night football match. you know you're tired and need a rest badly but your heart is still palpitating, you nerves still tense and you just don't feel like getting off the sofa and brushing your teeth and going to bed. that's how i felt. i KNOW i have a lot to catch up on, i KNOW i have to start working, i KNOW the exams are coming up and i KNOW how important all this is but the piles of work are just too unsavoury for me to go through. it's so... hard to swallow.

so i got over the block tests by bombing maths like i've never done before. somehow i didn't feel what i was supposed to feel-- remorse, guilt, embarrassment, a desire to do better for the next one. i was like, "ok, fuck that." i felt too lethargic i guess. i had to battle with insomnia during the block tests period and i barely had 3 hours of sleep before each paper. i don't know what to feel or who to blame or what to do about myself. that's what it means to feel depressed i guess.

and then after that i spent the best part the new term doing my h3. reading the novels, reading the critiques, drafting, writing, etc. and it doesn't help by reading depressing, gothic, gloomy, tragic and melodramatic charlotte bronte novels when you're going through a period of shittiness yourself. and looking at people around me declare the completion their h3s one by one, i felt even more anxious and panicky because this means that everyone else has started studying for exams and i'm still struggling with this increasingly tedious project. upon reaching home every afternoon, i just plonked myself onto my bed and escaped. wake up at 5 in the evening, start reading the novel. this went on until i have finished reading them all and started on my research. i borrowed and photocopied a grand total of 15 books from 3 different places: the school library, national library and jurong east library. i used less than half of them. it took me until around national day to finish my first draft. i felt so screwed up during the entire period. lessons were just non-existent for me. this h3 experience is so shitty i can't bear to recall it.

and i just couldn't believe how fast term 3 zoomed past. before i knew it began, it was over. now it's already september. a levels next month. for the past week or so i haven't been productive at all. did very little. one more week to prelims. i'll be damned if i don't buck up.

the funny thing is that given my hellish life right now, i can't bring myself to think of the future. it's like the prisoner mentality. the present state of affairs is tough going, but somehow you have got used to it and don't wanna get out of it. the prospects are not bright for me though, with ns and university and work and a whole load of new responsibilities and obligations and challenges. but at least i will get a breath of fresh air after a levels, but i haven't decided what i'm going to do, apart from university applications (more work, ugh). ah, but that's not important for now.

Date: 2007-08-13 20:04 Subject: the busiest national day break ever Security: Public Mood: worried

these are the things i did over the national day break

1. finished h3 essay and evaluative commentary
2. finished hypothesis testing assignment and tutorial
3. finished regression tutorial
4. prepared the handmaid's tale part for lit presentation
5. read 18 chapters of the handmaid's tale
6. wrote half of history essay
7. watched ndp live on tv

4 weeks to prelims and i haven't started. hope it's not too late yet.

Date: 2007-08-08 15:04 Subject: i have finished it Security: Public Mood: accomplished

i have finished my h3 essay!!!! oh my, now i can put charlotte bronte to rest and concentrate on prelims and a levels. now for history essay....

Date: 2007-08-02 22:57 Subject: commando? Security: Public Mood: sleepy

went to hendon camp for ns vocation assessment today. it's supposed to select commandos. i might be chosen. watch this space.