the past 2 months or so since i crossed over to the 1st commando battalion haven't been the easiest for me. you see, i've sworn off complaining about ns long ago but i guess it's the hardships and the lessons that i draw from them that have made me a different if not a better person.  in a few hour's time, i will embark on my journey to brunei, where i will complete the final (well, nearly) phase of my transformation from a fresh-faced schoolboy to a full-fledged commando. it will be nothing like what i have done before. it WILL be challenging, it WILL be dangerous, it WILL be painful, but it WILL definitely be equally fulfilling. so i guess it is only appropriate for me to sum up my experiences in the battalion up to this point.

i came in with a heaviness that i found hard to dissimulate right from the beginning, no matter how i steeled myself to face it like a man. anyone can discern from the previous post my visceral disgust and apprehension towards the new situation i found myself in. but that only set the stage for the real nightmare. our laidback and relaxed lifestyles since the end of basic military training have allowed us to slip into indiscipline and indolence. the instructors really shook us up with incessant harrassment and harsh punishment for the most insignificant mistakes. area cleaning was vigorously enforced and penalties for imperfections followed shortly after. we had a major turnout in camp where our barracks were literally turned inside-out. bedsheets, pillows, mattresses, garbage, clothes and our personal belongings were strewn all over after the instructors ransacked our barracks for contraband. one the the instructors said something that convulsed me: "you must know that commandos is not just for anyone. are you ready for the next stage of your evolution?" 

 to be fair, the training curriculum has certainly injected in me a new burst of confidence. i managed to fulfill requirements i previously thought impossible. this includes passing the standard obstacle course and overcoming my phobia of water to complete the water confidence course. the two field camps i went through threw up everything field camps possibly could. the one at marsiling was the first that i went through in 5 months. i could barely lug the back-breaking load, endure the mosquitoes and tread the endless distances. this only prepared me for the infinitely more challenging exercise in tekong. the last night was horrible. we walked through the night and fought a mission in the middle of it. looking back, it still sends shudders down my spine.

i missed the third field camp because i injured my right heel during a parachute jump. fortunately there was no fracture or sprain. during my recuperation, while the others were enduring the rigours of the jungle, i doubted my resolve and ability to carry on with the training. some of the out-of-course trainees tried to talk me into giving up and looking for a softer alternative to commandos. it was this injury, albeit a minor one, that confronted me with the question of whether it's worth all the pain and sacrifice to achieve something that has nothing to do with the rest of my life. evidently, i won't be here typing this post if i'd arrived at a negative answer. in any case, that was the closest i have ever been to capitulation. i hope that i have settled this dilemma once and for all.

so the past few months have been a journey of self doubt and discovery. the tough times made me learn to be flexible enough to respond to group dynamics and to go out of my way to help others no matter how tired i am. i don't like to go into all the cliche about gowing closer to my teammates and forging everlasting bonds of friendship but i just hope that our familiarity with one another can transpose into solid teamwork in brunei where we depend on it for our very survival.   

the road is now open before me. i hope that when i have reached my destination, the journey i experienced will be another reserve of fortitutde i can draw upon in the face of  future's many vicissitudes.
    

i have just joined my new posting: 1st commando battalion. whatever rumours everyone has heard about it are all true. we have to work for our little piece of maroon fabric commonly known as the red beret, the universal symbol of special forces around the world. 

so there goes our freedom for the next 4 months or so, without ipods, psps, friday book-outs, nights off, book-ins and book-outs in civilian wear and so on. i don't like to swear but the first thing that came to my mind as i saw my new claustrophobic bunk was: FuCkInG hEll!  

it's been a long since i took time off to sit down and come up with a proper blog entry. the ones that i've been turning out since my incarceration in singapore's military establishment sound more like notes from an underground dissident than diary entries of an exuberant teenager enjoying the sunshine of his youth. expectedly, those one-liners are as creative as they are long. so this time i will give a quick summary of EVERYTHING that has happened since D-Day, H-Hour, E-Enlistment, just to shed some light on ainan's adventures for the benefit of those befuddled by his gobbledygook.

ok... where shall we begin. let's start from the very first thing every soldier goes through: BMT. i guess this was the period when my perception of the everyday hardships in camp was mixed with a martial romanticism that glorifies discipline, personal sacrifice, patriotism and other related ideals. i sincerely wanted to get into the commando section leader's course which qualifies us for officer cadet school. that explains why i volunteered to take charge of the bmt publication and dvd. after countless late nights, burnt weekends, and unrelenting pressure from my officers, i finally managed to pull everything together in time. but sometimes, in a monolithic and byzantine organization like the army, reward is not the natural corollary to effort. it all boils down to how hard one insists on getting his way and whether one's superiors are sympathetic to this insistence. my only consolation was the regret that my officers showed in their explanation of their decision that totally did me in for quite some time. so it seems to me that i'm good enough to help out but not good enough to be helped. 

then came the basic airborne course, indisputably the happiest period of my national service so far. it was during this period when i started to snap out of the delusionary sense of superiority that overshadowed my attitude towards my mates and possibly denied my shot at ocs. i felt more grounded in reality and behaved more like myself, thus winning over a few friends who made the strict regimentation and hazardous exercises at airborne school all the more bearable. this peripeteia came about through a few factors. one was the release of the A-level results. my grades simply dashed all my hopes of a scholarship. then came the shock of the outcome of my US university applications. out of six universities two of them placed me on their waiting lists. the rest were outright rejections. without a university and any realistic hope of a scholarship, i felt that all that i have accumulated over my 10 years of formal education has gone down the drain. all that i have slogged my ass off for came back to me as a pipe dream. i have lost everything. 

things started to look up during the limbo between bac and my signaller's course. i got invited for nus law interview and written test.

the signaller's course was a bloody waste of time. for its entire duration i looked forward only to my nightly phonecalls with my mom who checked my email for news from the universities. and disappointed i was every time i hung up and retreated to my comfortless bunk bed. you can imagine the relief and exhilaration with which i greeted the news of my acceptance by nus law and duke university when they finally broke their silence about two weeks apart from each other. finally there is something to be proud of again.

this afternoon i returned to hwach and the humanities staff room to hand over duke's final school report for my teacher to fill in. i will never forget the faces that greeted my entrance into the office which used to intimidate me so much. their congratulations made me feel that everything was worthwhile, that i can finally give something back to the humanities programme in return for the great experiences and opportunities it had provided me while i was there. i felt that this was the visit that truly symbolized the closure of my high school era because i can only turn over this page of my life when there is a new chapter behind waiting for me. and where better to write this conclusion than the place where it all began? 
 

so i got admitted into nus law. still expecting duke's and columbia's waiting lists. watch this space. whew!

just a quick update. i'm now going through my airborne course at hendon camp. it's kinda painful to have all those weird contraptions going through your body and everything, with nut-busting leg straps notwithstanding. it should be fun, and i want those silver wings at the end of it.

so, many people are curious about how it's like in commandos. but i guess i'm not exactly qualified to describe it since i'm only 3 weeks into basic training and the "real" commando stuff is not taught to us yet. in any case it's tough enough to be challenging but gradual enough to be healthy. the commanders and trainers are quite professional and reasonable and i do feel myself getting stronger and fitter after 3 weeks. for sure, my 2.4 improved from 12 min 02 sec on the second day of enlistment to 10 min 49 sec this week. 

aside from NS, i had my brown university interview last sunday and i've been trying to hammer out a time with princeton for our session. i guess it's kinda difficult to get things done when you're always having your hands tied up in army. 

there are things to look forward to, though. and my aim for now is to get into leader's course and ocs this year. i hope i can make it so wish me good luck!

christmas was spent in my typical holiday fashion-- staying at home. but this time it didn't feel as normal or comfortable. it's like a bathetic fall after a build-up to a perfect climax. so why did i let my frustrations get the better of me the previous night? i have always thought that i am a logical and rational person who knows what's good for myself and others-- at least those who matter. but this time, i ruined what was potentially my best christmas eve yet, probably the last one which i can spend as a teenager. unfortunately, i might not be my only victim. 

and then there i was, suddenly finding myself sitting in my underwear, hating myself like a damned fool. i have never had a longer christmas eve. when everyone else is either partying away at a bar, a friend's place or in the streets, i was accompanied by my regret. sometimes i laugh at myself for being so silly. but if i really was silly, isn't what i passed up some excuse for me to be so? 

new year's coming up next. i don't deserve anything this new year. i should just lock myself in and come up with my new year's mock-resolutions. one item i should add would be to be more mature. easier said than done. but then again, i shouldn't give up just yet. because if there is one thing i can take away from this unpleasant experience, it is to know how to cherish what i love. 

i have lost my rome: total war cd. the only explanation i can think of for this disappearance is that Hannibal has stolen it to rematch with the romans in the battle of zama and alter the fate of his fellow elephant-riding carthaginian dudes. but seriously, how can it just evaporate from my computer table?!?!?! my other games are not half as fun. first-person shooters make me giddy so call of duty 4 is out. fifa 08 is an attractive choice but i suck at it now. i seem to be stuck at semipro difficulty. i still remember how i used to thrash world class difficulty for fifa 06 this time two years ago. lord of destruction, well, has graphics that look medieval. so is this some sinister ploy to force me back to my application essays? hee hee... that's not gonna work, folks. 

anyway, i feel really tireless and bored these days. i don't seem to be able to concentrate on anything or pick up my spirits. bleargh!!!